"Going into this surgery, what are you most afraid of?" he smiled gently at me.
"Waking up in the middle of surgery."
"What? Really? Most people are afraid of death! Of dying on the table!"
"But," I said, "I'd be dead. I'd never even know!"
It was a different time.
I hadn't met Brad yet. I was still alone, self-imposed solitude through hiding and lying. I didn't know what was possible for my life, for my heart. But I knew what I wanted.
I knew that ultimately, I wanted Great Love. I wanted to be Happy, and Complete, and utterly less Broken.
Three years. They teach you that it takes 30 days to change a behavior, but it can take almost a presidential term to change a life.
This year, when I realized that I was ready for something new, Something New, I put myself out there.
All truth, all boring, transparent, with bits of glitter and a coffee cup full of hope.
And I was...I was Wanted. Wantable. I'd had no real idea until then. No idea that random men all over this city would want to date me. Learn about me. Fall for me. Fuck me. I never knew that the thing standing between Me and Normal was...me.
And when Love walked in, with it's unsteady gait, and its quiet, hopeful brown eyes, and that smile, oh, that SMILE...I knew. And I thought I'd be afraid. My past would dictate fear and anxiety. Fear of rejection, of not being good enough. So, I waited for it. I summoned it, like a lost lover from the sea. I beckoned it to me. Because it would be predictable. The known pain, that sweet horrible sick dull stomach ache. But...nothing. Just happiness, filling me up, tip to toes. Tripping over one another with eager, earnest desire and friendship and sweetness and hope. Every day is tipped at the edges with sunshine. Every stumble is done in learning and love. I wake up, bathed in morning light and all-love.
I'm going to spend my life with him, this man I love.
"Doesn't that frighten you?" said a friend.
I thought for a moment.
"No. There's no fear here anymore. Instead, it all makes sense, finally. All the things that led me to him."